« Give yourself a raise by spending cash | Home | Are your credit cards maxed out? Then watch Maxed Out. »
Why money doesn’t solve your problems
By Deb |
For much of my adult life, I lived in crisis mode. Each month I ran the same drill: the big countdown to payday and that familiar desperation that fell upon me as soon as I realized my account balance was shrinking faster than the pile of bills before me. There was never enough money.
When my parents divorced in 1970, my father’s child support check wasn’t enough to keep pace with the times. As I grew up, I developed the mindset of scarcity. Although my mother always provided everything I needed, it was always apparent to me that other people had more money than we did.
My father became less of a presence with each passing year. One day, when I was 15, I received the “Dear Jane” letter that finalized his exit out of my life. I had always been close to my grandfather, and he became even more important from that day forward.
My grandparents were always there to help my mom and me, and that didn’t change as I became an adult. Whenever there was a money crisis, I could call on Grandpa to fix it. I tried paying him off a few times, but more often than not I still didn’t have enough money to cover all my bills. He was always gracious about it. He’d say, “I just want you to enjoy your inheritance while I’m alive.” It was his way of saying, “Don’t worry about it.” But I did.
Every time my grandfather helped me out of a situation, I felt a mixed sense of relief and guilt. For a short while, I could get the creditors off my back, or I could replace the washer that just died. However, that was the beginning of the breakdown of our relationship. The more guilty I felt, the less I called him. He had gotten so used to me asking for money that he’d begin each conversation with, “Do you need anything?” After awhile, I just lied and said I didn’t. In reality, my financial struggle continued.
Through marriage, three children, and my subsequent divorce, my grandfather was always there for us. When I didn’t get child support for several years, Grandpa worried. The more he gave, the more guilty I felt. I’d work an extra job or do some freelance writing, but I just couldn’t seem to get my finances in order for the long run.
Once or twice a year, I’d turn to my grandfather for help. I didn’t live the high life and I didn’t have thousands of dollars in credit card debt, but I’d see people who earned even less than I did buying homes, going on vacations, and stretching their dollars further. Maybe they were maxing out their credit cards. Maybe they were just smarter with their money. All I knew is that something had to change in my life, but I felt powerless to change it.
It was just before Christmas when my mother called me with the news. “Grandpa doesn’t have much time.” He’d been really sick for two years, and there had been many close calls. But we knew this would be the last close call of his life. He didn’t have long to live.
I drove 12 hours to get to my grandfather’s beside before he died. It was midnight when I got to the hospital, and he was still awake. He promised my mom the day before that he would wait for me and the kids to get there. And he did.
Grandpa spent his life giving to others, and I knew he must have worried about what would happen to all of us when he was gone. It was three days before Christmas, so I gave him a baseball cap with the kids’ school logo on it. My mom put it on his head, and he smiled. He didn’t need something expensive to be happy. He just needed a reminder that his family loved him.
When he died a few hours later, I leaned in and whispered to him, “Don’t worry. I’m going to be okay.” I was having some success as a copywriter by that time, but he didn’t live long enough to see it. I really was going to be okay.
So many times I had attempted to get on the right track financially, and then something would happen and I’d take a detour in another direction. It took a long time, but I finally realized that money never solved my money problems. I needed to change my behavior.
Even though we privately laughed at Grandpa because he obsessed over the thermostat setting or he’d insist on eating dinner at 3:30 at his favorite restaurant to save a quarter on the early bird special, he knew something that we didn’t. A nickel at a time added up over time, and he was able to save more money on a modest income than many people ever see in a lifetime. He saved for what he wanted, he paid cash for cars, and he always had enough to give to others, even though he only had a high school education.
Every time Grandpa helped me out of a financial crisis, I took one step further away from him to hide my shame. I loved him, but I detested that I wasn’t financially solvent. What I lost all those years was so much more than a dollar could give me. I became distant from the only caring, paternal influence in my life. I let my financial ignorance and shame rob me of a very important relationship. I always kept in touch with Grandpa, but I felt like a failure in his presence, even though he was always very proud of everything I had accomplished in my life.
That promise I made to him before his death was the catalyst I needed to change my behavior. And I have. Becoming debt-free and staying debt-free has become my mantra. I make a zero budget every month, which means I know where every dollar is going before I spend it. I use cash for most purchases. It’s harder to part with a dollar when you can actually touch it and feel it slipping from your hand.
A budget will save your sanity.
When you mention the word “budget” to some people, they cringe. They feel imprisoned by it. What I’ve learned, though, is that when you use cash, cut up the credit cards, and stop spending other people’s money, a newfound sense of peace, self-respect, and prosperity emerges. The day I committed to get out of debt, I got an unexpected refund check in the mail. Then a lucrative writing assignment fell into my lap. You’ll be surprised what happens when you make a commitment to change your financial road map.
If you’re constantly borrowing money from family or friends, “get real” with your budget. That short-term fix won’t solve your problems unless you change your spending habits. Buy used cars. Shop at bargain grocery stores. Make a budget and stick to it. You can pay off the debt you have now, but when you rely on family and friends for too much support, you may just lose something that you’ll never get back.
Before your next payday, list all your bills on paper. Then write down how much your take-home pay will be. Be honest about what you need. Cut out what you don’t need. If you’re behind on payments, the first line of business is get everything up-to-date, even if it means digging into your savings and investments. It doesn’t make sense to put money in a savings account if you’re paying a creditor 18% in interest. It may take three or four months to get it right. Expect it. The irony of it all is that a budget isn’t a scarcity mindset; instead, it’s a mindset of abundance.
I must admit that paydays are still a little strange for me. I’m so used to having more bills than money that sometimes I still think I must have misplaced a few bills somewhere. Then I look around and discover that I’ve paid everything. I just wish I’d gotten my financial act together years ago, so I could have enjoyed my relationship with my grandfather instead of feeling unworthy.
I’ve since apologized to my children for setting a bad financial example to them. I’ve even apologized to my grandfather, even though he wasn’t alive to hear it. To him, money was just a means to help others. And he helped a lot of people.
A few days after my grandfather’s death, my mother and I were going through all his old papers. It’s a strange experience perusing through a life once lived. There were old, paid doctor’s bills, a recent uncashed stock dividend check, and a few postcards and letters. And there was something else, something that only my grandfather would have saved. . . a check, handwritten by me, to pay off a loan he’d given me more than a decade ago.
He never cashed it.
Topics: Articles, Personal Experiences |
December 6th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Very touching story–you had me crying and remembering my relationship with my Grandmother around money!
September 22nd, 2008 at 5:48 am
The story is so true, universal and timeless. Reminds me of my own relationship with my dad. I am so happy he’s still alive and i can mend my relationship. I have recently quit my job and living with him. Havent saved anything in my previous jobs and now pestered with the feeling of worthiness. But good I still have time to change my behaviour and feel proud in his eyes.